雷人英文笑話(huà)之大學(xué)入學(xué)申請書(shū)

　　I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

　　I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

　　Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

　　I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a travelingcentrifugal-force demonstration. I bat . 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

　　I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

　　I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.。

　　But I have not yet gone to college.

　　我是精力旺盛的家伙——爬墻和砸冰，小菜一碟。我遠近聞名，因為有次我利用午休時(shí)間，改造了火車(chē)站，提高了候車(chē)室保溫效果。我為古巴難民，逐條翻譯，罵人的臟話(huà)。我寫(xiě)過(guò)歌劇，并且還得了獎。我的工作效率很高。有時(shí)，我可以連續三天踩水。

　　追求女人，我自有一套——英俊的外貌和長(cháng)號吹奏，如天籟之音。騎車(chē)，似雜耍般，速度飛快。做一份布朗尼巧克力餅，別人半個(gè)小時(shí)，我二十分鐘就能搞定。粉刷墻壁，我是行家;談戀愛(ài)，我是老手;在秘魯，我又是一個(gè)亡命之徒。

　　在亞馬遜流域的小村莊里，一把鋤頭，一大杯水，我孤軍奮戰，擊退了浩浩蕩蕩的`、兇狠的螞蟻大軍。小提琴也玩得很溜。我是無(wú)數通緝令的一號男主角，被警方跟蹤也在所難免。當我厭煩了，不想跟逗他們玩了，我就在自家院子里拉幾根鋼索吊橋。我特別鐘愛(ài)城市的滑翔游戲。通常星期三，放學(xué)后，我義務(wù)為大家修理電器設備。

　　我一身數職：抽象派藝術(shù)家，具體的分析家，無(wú)情的的賭馬人。一件自己做的燈芯絨晚禮服，全世界的評論家，無(wú)不為之傾倒。我可不跟他們一起發(fā)瘋，我行事向來(lái)低調，雖然我常收到粉絲們的信件。我還做過(guò)做過(guò)Number Nine(譯注：日本著(zhù)名服裝公司)的接線(xiàn)員。去年，我參加了新澤西的了離心力證明之旅，我可以擊400下呢。而靈巧的插花手手藝，有幸贏(yíng)得圈內薄名。孩子們信賴(lài)我。

　　用網(wǎng)球拍，投擲移動(dòng)的小東西，準星挺高。一天之內，讀完失樂(lè )園、白鯨、大衛科波菲爾，剩下的時(shí)間，還夠我將餐廳，裝飾一新。我知道超市里每種食品的確切位置。我為中央情報局做過(guò)秘密臥底。一周，我只睡一次。我睡在椅子上。有一次在加拿大度假，一群恐怖分子在搶劫一家面包店，我成功地與他們達成協(xié)議。身體極限，在我看來(lái)，沒(méi)有這回事兒。

　　我心智健全，愛(ài)好編織，熱衷創(chuàng )新發(fā)明，享受生活，沒(méi)有外債。周末時(shí)，為擺脫俗世糾纏，我一心研究紙藝。數年前，我發(fā)現了生活的真諦，但是忘了記錄。只要有茂利(譯注：一種食品加工器)和烤箱，我就能做四道美味無(wú)比的主菜。我養的蛤，得過(guò)大獎。圣胡安的斗牛比賽，斯里蘭卡的攀巖比賽，克里姆林宮的拼寫(xiě)比賽，我贏(yíng)過(guò)。我演過(guò)哈姆雷特。我主刀過(guò)心臟手術(shù)。我還與威爾斯(譯注：唱藍調的南方搖滾巨星)交談過(guò)。

　　但是，我還沒(méi)有上過(guò)大學(xué)。

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